ask Hernando?

Let’s go to the mailbag and dish out some advice, shall we?

This mail arrived through the intertubes this weekend … let’s see if we can’t pool our resources to send NP off in the right direction ~
– – – – –

“Dear Hernando,

One of my friends, ‘Pat’, has recently begun racing bicycles. Pat is no stranger to competitive sports: Pat competed for several years on the US Pro Mini Golf Circuit before being sidelined for carpal tunnel syndrome and then went on to compete quite successfully on the USA Broomball circuit. Most pro b-ballers move to Canada but even after the past presidential election Pat was unwilling to move to north to Canada (brr!).

Now Pat has only been racing for a couple of years now but has progressed far enough and quickly enough to now consider racing in a couple of NRC and similar events. Someone needs to fill out the laughing group, eh?

The prospect of riding in these larger races has Pat now re-evaluating life.

Pat is, simply put, a born again hippy. You know the type: vegetarian, doesn’t watch TV, doesn’t own a car, “Give Peace a Chance”, and eats food that is so organic it still has dirt and all. And sometimes, only sometimes, some California weedy roughage.

Think Ricky Williams and Ross Rebagliati.

noidses.jpgHerein lies the issue: According to the 2007 Prohibited List, International Standard as maintained by World Anti-Doping Agency, Pat is doping (see section 8).

So should Pat eschew the entire born-again lifestyle and take on the ‘merican, corporate, processed lifestyle? Or should Pat put aside the budding roadie career and refocus Grasshopper, DFL (and similar) series?

Pat thanks you in advance for your advice.
Not Pat

– – – – –

Dear NP,

The problem with roadies is that they are really only a step to the left of triathletes. I mean, how many conversations with a cyclists have you had where the topic was NOT chained to 2-wheels?

… rare and treasured when they occur, i’m sure.

xactly.jpgThe problem with the DFL/grass’d up crowd is … honestly, some of them just don’t shower enough. I mean, it’s sort of like going to the climbing gym, you know? It can be a bit fun, monkeying around on ropes and adjusting oneself constantly in that diaper’d harness … but, sometimes those fellow gym rats can be quite ripe, if you know what i mean.

I’m not saying doing the doobie detracts from one’s ability to clean one’s self … i mean, trust me ~ a nice long hot shower after a scoobysnack of Cali’ Roughage can be one of the highlights of a day.

BUT, i wonder if sometimes there isn’t a correlation between going green and staying clean. Maybe they just forget to sniff theyselves? dunno.

not_me__though.jpgAnyway, i’m sure our readers will chime in with all kinds of helpful advice, but if I were to ask you to chew on one take-home message it would be ~

if you can do an NRC road race on the plant, and do well enough to get tested by the Fed’s … i say, lay claim to that status with pride. Because if there’s one thing I can tell you fo’ sho ~ the herb ain’t no enhancer when it comes to bike racing. Now, when it comes to fuckin’ … well, that’s a whole different story.

you’re welcome.


28 Responses

  1. Hee hee, the prohibited list says “administered…rectally.” Hee hee hee.

  2. what people will do to try and go faster…

    lord, the stories of suppositories just freak me the shit out.

  3. You mean that antidoping controls scare the suppositories out of you.

  4. dammit, coffee on keyboard muthaf’er.

    i remember the first time someone told me about how they used a caffeine suppository. and i kind of shook my head in confusion, “suppository? … what’s that?”

    [insert explanation from said wanker]


    [me walking away]


    [me running away to wash my hands, frantically]

  5. Oh come on, is it any different from lathering up the chamois before going on a ride.

    By the way, you said “insert…from…wanker.” Hee hee hee.

  6. Ganj? Not performance enhancing?
    I know some wicked mtb riders that swear by it and given that they can drop my anal-retentive, slow, pansy-ass on techy downhills and steep uphills, I don’t know if I agree.
    But I think ganj is rather more of a mtb performance enhancer than a roadie enhancer.

    I mean, that’s what they tell me and I’ll have to take their word for it.

  7. i had to chime in on this one. I grew up in Bonny Doon where weed is sometimes found growing in the trees.

    I totally agree its great for that late night hump session and fun for that downhill snowboard run.

    So amazingly I never once raced high or smoked a bowl for training in the past years on the bike. However after my decision to stop racing mtbs when my back was wrenched, I got invited for a ride with some friends that were still racing on a very long climbing ride.
    In a fleeting moment of total distraction and extreme mind numbing pain from my aching back which was a result of trying to hang on to the last wheel of the group I didn’t pass it on…
    Shortly thereafter I was in total bliss, no real pain (until later), no thoughts of being dropped.. just locked into that wheel in front of me in total focus. Eventually two of us dropped just about everyone (rare for me even when i was fit) he turned around at me and said, dude you need to burn more often your hammering this ride like I’ve never seen you ride before…
    Eventually it totally wore off and I suffered for it the rest of the ride.

    Maybe it was me, and no one else gets that effect… I don’t know. I haven’t ridden high again since.. maybe it was a fluke.
    There are far more crazy easy to access enhancers than the green… I think some come in inhaler form.
    But i have to agree if you use it and get caught running red gold and green, come clean cause no one will really consider you the same type of doper like someone who would put a suppository in their ass or creme on their sack to win a race.

  8. yeah, don’t do drugs kids.

  9. and i’m sorry, but i am CRACKING MY ASS UP with that cannaboid graphic.

    damn, i loves me some photochop.

  10. You only think it is funny cuz you’re high, cuz.

  11. This is one of the more entertaining letters and threads. I love your advice–if Pat can get good enough to test positive it’d be a good problem for him to have. I have to agree with the performance enhancer call too. Thing is I knew a number of top racers who had the same response as Ja Ride above. Weird. Personally I found it made things a whole lot tougher both on and off road. Now after and at night is a different irrelevant question, although not when it comes to testing. Maybe Pat can break new ground and get a medical exemption. Whatever the case he doesn’t need to change his lifestyle–it’s not like he’s getting a check to ride his bike. Perspective Pat, perspective.

  12. PS Steve Hegg. Caffeine suppositories. Equal to 29 cups of coffee (8 oz. reg). Yikes.

    At least he had a sense of humor about it.

  13. satire, Brij, satire

  14. Precisely. Which is why I like the outlaw racing bit. It’s a nice niche for those of us who can’t get it together to race but don’t want to be the dick attacking a group ride. License to blow oneself up AND do drugs without fear of The Man–not that it’s really an issue unless one is really really fast. And it’s the place for Pat too. When he’s not reliving his glory of mini-golf and broomballing. Personally the carpel tunnel did me in from the pro pinball circuit but that’s another story.

    Go Pat go.


  15. roadies smokin’ fatties? are you sure?

    cannabinoid is performance enhancing – but it depends on your personality.

    you have to believe in it.

  16. that is a placebo……

  17. Where’s Team BPG (Berkeley Patients Group) in this thread? Actually, seems the topic comes up about once a year in Hernandoland. Personally, I have a great deal of expertise on this topic – my Dad is a ‘seriously ill’ activist patient in Berkeley. I’m prepared should I have a migraine, but abstain in general for a variety of reasons. No, testing is not one of them…

    Since it is psychoactive, yes, not all will have performance enhanced and the potential downsides include throat/lung irritation (unless you eat or vaporize), excessive appetite, silliness. Funny how many roadies I used to know who burned and now they are mostly MTBers or now retired from high ranks in the sport.

    “I’m not advocating drug use for anyone, but in my case, it worked.” Can’t recall source, uhhh, another downside?

  18. If your going to dis dfL could you please do it to my face, or are you a whimp?

  19. funny, i thought i {{LINK}} did.
    – –

  20. and i find it heartening that someone can be more sanctimonious than me.

    that shit is reassuring.
    – –

    and why has there been an assumption that Not Pat was a “he”?

    interesting, that.

  21. sanctimonious!!??? your the one who started off you rant with “the problem with dfL.”
    maybe our problem is that we put on to many races, over 70 cross races to date. maybe we put on to many alley cats?? maybe we are just faster, dan mac. 19th at nats.
    how many races have you put on??
    what have you done in the race world??

  22. oh sweet jesus …

    is this really somebody’s panties in a bunch.

    brad, you may not be around here often, so you don’t know the vibe of this website. so, i’ll give you and any other new readers a primer on how to read hernando-speak:

    IF I MAKE FUN OF YOU, it means either:

    a) it is a sign of admiring the coolness factor exhibited
    b) you are a douche
    c) i want to have sex with you
    – – –

    so there you go. now you can re-read and figure out where to put what thing.

  23. Race and burn…not at the same time, but if you burned in the last month you should not have to sit out an NRC. Lets put this into perspective. If you do so much EPO your hematocrit gets above 50% you are only benched for 15 days…but the same THC from the doobie you smoked a month ago is still in your system, and could get you benched for 2 years.

    Fuck it, if you do get caught, take a cue from our American heros… claim you are the victim of a witch hunt, blame a missing twin, cast doubt on the system, post a wiki defense, block the B sample, start a foundation…then get a contract w/ Rock and Republic.

    Supposedly the new WADA prez wants to get it off the list. Makes sense to me, the administrative burden far outweighs the risk of fair play. The last thing WADA needs to spend $$$ on is chasing stoners out of the sport.

  24. Yeah, I read your response to “pat” and just figured it was some friendly jovial dig at dfl and hippies that smell. I wanted to be offended at your generalization because I know lots of pot smoking hippie bikers that don’t smell. But now I realize that you must use this site to vent some personal vendetta against dfl because I can’t make the connection between pat’s conundrum and why smoking pot makes dfl hippies melodorous.

    Had you left out the “The problem with DFL….” paragraph, your response would read the same only making you sound less vindictive.

    I also thought that when someone makes fun of others it means:

    a) you’re insecure.
    b) there is no “b”

    So there you go.

  25. DFL must stand for:

    don’t fucking laugh

    what gives with the lack of sense of humor and the over the top defensiveness? Who’da thought dfl, of all folks, would wave the political correct banner so high (pun intended)

    okay, its official. Don’t make fun of dfl.

    how sad.

  26. Yeah, Hernando is so insecure he wears long sleeved white skinsuits and giant afros to hide his shame.

  27. that’s not what i’m hiding, baby …

  28. Many people simply don’t understand probabilistic statements.

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